The Road Map Out: My Journey With Men’s Group
Not many journeys of note start from the dreary District Line platforms at Acton Town. As another arctic blast swept along the platform during the interminable wait for a train into London, I lamented the decision to ignore my long johns that morning.
During the obligatory scan of my phone to pass the time something caught my eye. “Men’s Groups…?” An article interviewing the founder of a men’s network meeting weekly to talk openly and support each other intrigued me.
I made note of the name, thinking someday in the future perhaps this could be an avenue to explore. Maybe. If I ever took my inner life and self-talk seriously. My attention turned back to the reality of a London commute and, you know, I’m fine.
I had been looking for answers for a lifetime, the solution that will bring me out of my own darkness to feel connected to life and the world around me. Therapy was a failure that resulted in frustration and disappointment, empty conversations and two people talking different languages.
The fire fight in my mind robbed me of my sense of self. Insecure, lacking self-esteem and low self-confidence – the blessed trinity that real men aren’t supposed to feel. Anxiety isn’t becoming of a real man, I was always told. So, I was diminished, living in the shadows and feeding off scraps.
I understood I was part of a men’s mental health crisis, one that has existed for many years but is only now coming out of the dark as the brave and noble shine a light into its oppressive blackness. Expectations, fear of failure and a culture of stoic silence has led to the deaths of many men whose lives may have had a different outcome with the opportunity to express themselves in a culture of openness and acceptance. Instead, 3,925 men committed suicide in England & Wales in 2020.
I could feel my life slipping but a seed had been sown – I needed to know more. An online search set me on my path and three months later, I was sitting in a grand building in Kensington talking about the man inside of me with Kenny, the men’s group founder.
My individual sessions with him spoke to me in a language I understood and created a new frame for the story of my life. The man inside, the protector holding me back, the child needing to be seen. I knew instinctively what they meant and what they were – a nomenclature of reality, not words. The impact was slow but profound as my thinking began to change.
Progression from 1-2-1 sessions into the men’s group was a natural step in the process but accepting it proved difficult. I was searching for connection and engagement but fearing opening my inner life to a group unknown. I navigated my thoughts and pavements slicked with spring rain as I approached my first group session.
Sitting together with six other men and talking about entangled thoughts and emotional crossfire instilled panic in me. I floundered through my first time, unsure if I was speaking the “right” language. I soon learned there was no “right” or “wrong”, there just was.
Persistence in attending the groups proved transformative. Men of all ages and backgrounds spoke honestly about their lives, expressing everything from hope to despair. Hearing, processing and understanding – the perspective gained from these narratives began to calm my mind. Being heard and seen without judgement then understanding that only I controlled my story.
Accepting the support of other men was powerful. Moving from meeting in person to connecting online as a disease changed the world built on this, the joys of Zoom failing to restrict dialogue or the strengthening of trust. Speaking from the heart and facing my feelings began to be the new normal, an emergence from an impenetrable emotional forest.
Supporting other men on their journey helped filled the empty spaces inside me and slowly I saw what it was to become the real version of the authentic man inside me. Without expectations of cliched manly traits and fake bravado but by being present, showing up and being true to yourself. It was rare to leave a session without an emotional lift and better focus on life goals.
It may not be for all and to many, the idea of being open amongst strangers is either laughable, overly intimidating or they believe they lack the language to truly express themselves. Confronting the fright and choosing a different direction was a way out for me, the acceptance and visibility I gained lead to the dread subsiding and the authenticity growing whilst knowing there was a long highway ahead.
The first step was the hardest, however it was quickly apparent an ocean of genuine emotion was available to me through connection with other men ready to make changes to their lives. To know that facing down an obstacle could result in a healthier mind is both encouraging and immensely frustrating. The journey is open to all men yet many sit in silence, act up and suffer behind ego and unending point scoring.
The mental health of all people has suffered during lockdown, adding another layer of complexity to the pressures men face but groups offer a route out. It is ludicrous and saddens me that men are isolated and desperate, leading to them taking their own lives when the chance to be heard in a safe space may have made a difference.
Offering groups as part of treatment plans for men suffering mental health problems must be part of a wider discussion in both the NHS and private sector. They have the potential to work alongside 12-step recovery programs and in therapy when working with addiction, suicidal ideation and behavioural disorders.
However, until that conversation takes place, I will keep talking from my sofa and wondering where I would be if I had not been kept waiting that bleak day on the Underground.
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/the-road-map-out-my-journey-with-mens-groups-kpkn/